Alicia Spinnet

Warded entry to my journal:

( I Never Meant To Make You Cry, But Tonight I'm Cleaning Out My Closet )

Can't sleep tonight.  Am tempted to Floo Dean, as I know he'd come right over, but don't want to push boundaries of our friendship.  He's been so good to me this last while, snuggling with me, helping keep the nightmares away.  Or rather, that's what should have happened.  Instead, decided that I'd rather shag him than grieve.  Am horrible daughter.  Can't sleep.  Said that already.  Am losing my mind. Should be devastated about my parents, weeping uncontrollably and needing the time off that the team has given me...  Instead, am listless and anxious to go back to the pitch.  Need to get out of the house.  Have already gotten solicitor to put house on the market.  Viewers already starting to line up for next week.  Will buy a place in or near Wizarding London.  Did Yoga for hours today.  Helped, a bit.  Angie offered to come over with alcohol...  am not sure I want to go that route.  Will talk to her soon.  She will understand the Dean thing.  What is he to me?  Can't even tell myself that answer.  Wish I knew.  Wish I did not feel so confused about him.  Wish....

Sent Harry Potter a pocket foeglass.  Don't know exactly why.  Saw it and felt he could use it.  Probably thinks I'm crazy, as haven't spoken in years.  Always was a nice kid though.  Humble. 

Can't sleep.


Can't Sleep.


I cannot sleep.

Am going to lie in bed.  Will stare at ceiling.  Dreamless Draught does nothing if cannot sleep.  Perhaps that is secret to its success.

Nightmares have been plaguing me since Halloween. It's all Dark Marks and Purple Peacocks, and my parents. I can't quite remember, however, what exactly was going on. All I know is that I wake up and I want Dean. Apparently, judging by my first thoughts after the dreams, the confusion extends past the dream world and into the waking. I thought perhaps I had merely started feeling lust for Dean after he kissed me in C's office. But after Halloween, that didn't change. I still want to see him, and kiss him, and all of those lovely sort of things. So yesterday we did indulge again... and now I'm sitting in bed, having woken from another of my nightmares, wanting him still.

He gave me jewelry yesterday. It was beautiful.

Yesterday. How did I miss discussing this? My Inferno was broken by that prat McKinnon, after he blatched me into the stands. But, some fan sent an anonymous new one. I couldn't trace the note, none of the shops sold a customized Inferno... I don't know where to look now.

All in all, I am very confused, and I feel as if there is a pit in my stomach. Something is coming, and I am scared.  I want Dean to hold me and tell me it's okay.

I think I might be falling for him.

Am sleep deprived.  That is the only possible excuse for the fact that I am writing of things that aren't really happening.  I think.

Angie dragged me to Hogsmeade last night. She was part of the entertainment, and wanted her friend out to support her. While we were getting ready, they started playing her music on the WWN. How awesome, it was the best timing. She made Dean get up and sing with her, last night. It was marvelous. Then the three of us hung out... had a bit of a run-in with C and his date. The girl was pretty enough, but rather standoffish, and definitely not much for friendliness either. I had only intended to tease C a bit on his date, but she was... horrid. Well, not that I was any better, I suppose. Perhaps I should apologize.

The Dark Mark was set off last night. And then some freaking purple thing went over and devoured it. People were panicking, and crushing me... I don't know how Dean did it, but he grabbed Angie and I and DisApparated. We dropped Angie home, and then came back to my flat.

Dear gods, I can't believe that part of the evening, still. What prompted me to kiss him? Even more, what prompted the two of us... Well, it isn't as if I'm complaining (Who would after 4, yes FOUR, orgasms?)

He's certainly... well. It's so awkward to write about. He pounced me in the tub this morning too. Dear gods. If I had known that Dean Thomas was this good of a shag, I would have given him the status of receiving benefits a long time ago.

That's all, I suppose.

So, was nearly offed by a Bludger today, while Charlie was there to watch. Yes, great way to make an impression on a friend, send them into a panic over your fall. Ah well, Moira healed my cracked ribs up in a flash, and we won nonetheless. And Charlie took me to see the reserve. Dragon babies are adorable. I love them. ( It's like nothing I've ever known )

So, dropped the gift off for C. today. Dean got a tad enthusiastic with his convincing, he nearly convinced me we were shagging... Right there in C's office. The look on C's face was brill, but now Dean (who is a HELL of a kisser, by the way) is freaking out on me. I'm making him come over for dinner on Thursday. For some reason, (no thanks to my stupid running away thing... STUPID!) he thinks he assaulted me. Am wondering if I should just drag him to my bed when he shows up on Thursday, shag the nonsense out of him. Is definitely tempting... But Dean deserves a girl who's willing to be in a relationship with him... Not a friend who is just playing a game with another man, and who happens to enjoy sex. Maybe that is a good enough reason. I'll talk to him first. If that doesn't work, then I'll shag him. I like having a plan. As far as the game with C... It's easy to play this game knowing he won't get hurt. I don't have to worry about feelings. After all, I have my Quidditch career.. and I am going to make the most of that... I will be the best. Failure... not even on the radar. C is just an amusing challenge to keep me from going stark raving mad. A very good-looking, amusing challenge. If he's good at this game, maybe he'll get a shag out of me after all.

Dean and I have worked out how the gifting of my portrait will go. It will be great. Dean did such a good job, and tomorrow morning before my practice we'll go. I didn't tell Dean, but I stuck a note in behind the painting. If Cormac is actually tormented by the portrait, he'll find it.

Game against the Falcons Saturday. I'm getting more and more stoked, they're a fun group to play against... what with being the team that says if they can't win, they should break a few heads. I love Quidditch. It's one of those things where one feels completely ALIVE. I had the same feeling when I did Yoga with that guru in India. Three days with only water, and spending it in meditation, and in all sorts of strange contortions. Between that and the herb we smoked (hey, it was a cultural thing! And is actually the origin of Yoga. I don't do it now.) it was definitely a feeling of being fully alive.

Will probably record how plan goes as far as McLaggen. Games are fun... and this is one game I am going to win. He should really have chosen a less competitive witch... Ah well.

Got a print of the work Dean did of me. I look... phenomenal. It's... Not me. It is, but it isn't. I don't look that... alluring, in real life. He did a good job... If people find that hundreds of years from now, I'll be known as this beautiful witch who is somewhat aloof for all that she's nude. But like I said, it's not me. I know that Dean is worried that Cormac will say something that will attempt to hurt my feelings, by acting like he doesn't care... But I expect that. In fact, Cormac McLaggen is the type of person who lashes out with his wit when you've hit close to home. If he does nothing... then I'll be offended. If he reacts... Well then, I guess I'll know that we're still playing. The problem is, Mr. McLaggen... You should never play a game with a girl who can play it better.

Game against the Falcons next week. Must owl those tickets to Charlie, as I don't know how it would feel for Hermione if I just showed up at her door asking for him. Mrs. Weasley didn't say they were a couple, but... Well, I'll decide what to do later, as far as that. Realized yesterday how much I love Mrs. Weasley. I wish my mom was more like her. Should send a letter to my folks too...

That's all, I guess.

I'm going crazy. I swear. Why can I not stop thinking of Cormac? I am still angry, and yet, I'm more than a little sad. It's horrid that I have let him get so far under my skin. I think it's a sign that I must get a shag soon. Though it's hardly fair that I am the one left feeling bereft after this... Perhaps I shall come up with a suitable form of revenge... Something that says, "Your Loss, Loser." Lucky for me, revenge is a dish best served cold, for it gives me plenty of time to think of what I should do. I've worked hard to be where I am, and I will be damned if I'll be played the fool by a glorified Ministry Errand Boy.

*sigh* For all that I can write angry thoughts, I am still morose. Who knew a self-sufficient girl would get so caught up in the idea of a romance and lose her head thus after so little time? I have become one of the girls I have always mocked.

Woke up and saw the blasted flowers Wanker McLug-head sent. Took great satisfaction in burning them. Then felt sad, as it was hardly the fault of the flowers. Thought of Flooing Angie and telling her whole story, but was too embarrassed at own stupidity. Will go flying today, and do Yoga. Nothing else to do except mope...

Must not mope.